Book: Open Marriage

This week I picked up a copy of an old book that I’ve been meaning to read, Open Marriage by Nena and George O’Neill. The authors were both anthropologists and well familiar with marriage practices of many cultures. While the book assumes readers will have a one man and one woman marriage, they approach the social construct of marriage without judging different family structures.

The book itself is actually about throwing away outdated ideas of gender roles and choosing to build a marriage based on thoughtful communication of what both parties want and need rather than accepting someone else’s ideas of what marriage should be. The authors were quite dismayed to find that the popular understanding came to be that having an open marriage is only about having sex with someone not your (one) spouse.

There is one chapter about sex that basically says humans are not by nature monogamous and if you believe your spouse never has those thoughts about someone else you are woefully out of touch with reality. It neither recommends nor disparages mutually agreeable extra-marital sex (referred to as “sexually open marriage”) but encourages couples to make a informed decision on how to handle the inevitable attraction to other people. The authors consider the marriage partnership to be the primary bond and any other potential romantic relationships a distant second, although there is consideration for more lasting relationships outside the pair bond:

To have an extramarital affair without first developing yourself to the point where you are ready, and your mate is ready, for such a step could be detrimental to the possibility of developing a true open marriage. You must do more than simply grasp the idea of fidelity as a commitment to growth; you must put that idea into effect in your marriage. Freedom in open marriage does not mean freedom to “do your thing” without responsibility. It is the freedom to grow to the capacity of your individual potential through love — and one aspect of that love is caring for your partner’s growth and welfare as much as your own.

We would go further, in fact. If outside companionships are to be more than casual ones, and might involve sex, then those relationships too should be approached with the same fidelity to mutual growth, and with the same measure of respect that you would show your partner in open marriage. You must be honest in your extramarital relationships as well. If you are not, the deception you practice outside your marriage will eventually seep back into the marriage itself.

Originally published in 1972, it is clearly a product of the sexual revolution and the then novel idea that women might have other goals in life than being barefoot and pregnant. There are some pretty scary references to “closed marriage” with sharply defined roles for husband and wife and little real communication. Many of these are now, fortunately, considered woefully neanderthal in most Western cultures where women and men are expected to be companions and equal partners in enlightened modern marriage. (Whether or not they are is another subject.)

Still some elements of closed marriage persist. Jealously as proof of love presumes possessive ownership of your partner. Abandoning interests or friends because your spouse is not equally enamored of them is not unusual. Even more common is avoiding close friends of the “wrong sex” because they are assumed to be a threat to the marriage bond. Open marriage encourages deep loving (although not necessarily sexual) relationships for each partner, separate from the other and relying on mutual trust to ensure fidelity rather than coercion. Total enforced togetherness is stifling, outside connections spur personal growth and provide an important social network for both partners.

There was nothing here that was any great revelation for me, as these days it seems more just common sense than anything else. I am not my partner and my partner is not me. The idea that marriage takes two individuals and forms one unit might be a charming literary conceit but hardly a practical basis for managing your relationship on a day-to-day basis. Certainly as a poly person I’ve long understood the importance of communication and negotiation in building the relationship you want as opposed to one that somebody else assumes for you.

Overall I found the book to be an interesting period piece, although one that can still offer reassurance to those having problems with communicating their deepest needs and desires: it’s work but it’s worth it. It’s scary to think that keeping secrets from your spouse in the name of maintaining a happy home was once considered normal. Now it’s reason to find a therapist.