D is going back east next month and to avoid an expensive hotel is staying with a partner of his. It’s someone he’s known for a long time and almost married some decades ago. They have continued to see each other occasionally, despite the problems that caused him to break off the engagement. Normally him going off to visit another partner wouldn’t be a big deal. But with this person, it is.
I’ve met her several times and it has always been a painful experience. At first she seemed merely shy, hardly speaking. D assured me that she just needed to warm up. I’ve tried to start up a conversation, encourage them to go off and have a good time together, anything I could think of to get her to open up even just a little. It only got worse. After an entire meal where she barely acknowledged I was at the table and a subsequent visit where she was unwilling to be in the same room with me, D and I had a long discussion about it. Eventually the truth of the matter came out.
She is monogamous. And despite time and distance, D being involved with others and now living with me for quite a while, she still wants him to move back to the east coast to be with her. Only her. She wants nothing to do with me because I am in the way of her goal. D has told her numerous times that I’m not going anywhere and he’s certainly not moving back, but it does not seem to have any effect. When she has been here, they go off to a hotel and D basically vanished for the weekend. If I was lucky, I got a text message or a voicemail. After several visits with less and less communication each time, I had enough.
I wouldn’t say it was exactly an ultimatum, but I insisted that she was no longer welcome in my home and I was unwilling to give up all contact with the person I live with just to allow her to pretend I didn’t exist for a few days. Here I was, being ignored by my partner for the sake of someone who wanted him to leave me. And for this, the hotel cost and occasionally the flight came out of our household budget and they took my vehicle for the weekend? No more.
D says “She behaves like that because she’s monogamous.” Bullshit. One’s preference for a single monogamous partner is no excuse to be rude to one’s host. It’s not like this is a new development. He has not seen her for a while, although I know they talk, so I thought he had broken off the sexual relationship. I particularly thought this after the many things D has said about how he wishes I didn’t still care about R, that it was not healthy to continue to associate with (or want to) someone who is clearly unwilling to act in a respectful manner. Apparently not. I’m not happy about this.
Now I’m not throwing a fit and ordering him to never talk to her again. I’m fine with his continuing the relationship as long as she acknowledges me as his partner. Which as far as I can tell she refuses to do. This leaves me in the untenable position of wanting to declare “Her or Me!” and force him to break it off. Not because I “need to feel secure” but for the continued domestic tranquility where I know his other relationships are healthy and supportive of our relationship. And I do not believe that can exist with a person who actively lobbies to cut me out of the picture, no matter what D says about how “he’s dealing with it.”
I know when we next visit his parents, he is going to want to see her. I’ve been here before, where he disappears for an afternoon and leaves me with his mother while they go off for lunch. I am willing to not make a stink about this trip, but neither am I letting it pass without comment. I have already warned him that if nothing changes, next time I will not be so polite about it.